For an informal chat  feel free to call Martin on 01923 256999 or email martin@achievingbalance.net

 

 

Below is an exclusive article for readers of this website ...

 

If you find that disagreements often escalate into rows or you have given up trying to discuss contentious issues altogether, you might find some of the ideas listed below useful. The ideas are largely borne out of my work as a relationship counsellor although many of are equally  valid in any situation where communication is important.

 

It’s not what you say, it’s the way that you say it.

 

More open, honest and direct communication makes for better understanding. But we have to be careful to ensure that directness does not become bluntness – if we’re perceived as rude or insensitive then the whole point of our more direct communication may be lost. Here’s an example of how you can be more direct, but in a way that may feel more palatable to the recipient.

 

“I” and “we” are more palatable than “you, you, you”.

 

Imagine you have developed a loud snore. Which would you rather hear from your partner?

 

o “You make me so angry and tired with your snoring. Don’t you realise what problems you are causing me? You really need to sort it out”

o “I feel so tired and irritable these days. We really have a problem with that snoring of yours. We need to figure out what we’re going to do about it.”

Using “I” helps your partner to acknowledge their part in the problem and describes it from their perspective. Since all perspectives are necessarily subjective, they are always valid and therefore can’t be “wrong”. Using “we” states a reality: if  your snoring affects me, then we have a problem with snoring. “We” feels collaborative whereas “you, you, you” can feel attacking or accusatory.

 

It’s all about timing

 

As well as running a private practice, I also manage a counselling project in a large London primary school. One day, without thinking, I popped into a Year 6 class before lessons started to ask the teacher if one of my staff could observe the children. The teacher, normally flexible and helpful, seemed agitated by my request and more or less declined it. This was my fault; she was quite understandably pre-occupied with the SAT tests that day and I had caught her on the hop. My timing couldn’t have been worse and I paid the price for it. Here are some possible ways of avoiding some of the more common potholes in the road towards more useful communication:

 

· Make sure that you are both ready to talk. Either arrange some time in advance, or at least ensure that you have checked that it is a convenient time for your partner to talk. Trying to have a conversation with someone who is otherwise engaged (watching the TV, preparing for a presentation, catching up on housework etc) will almost certainly be unproductive. Where possible, you could consider taking a walk together, having a drink or a meal in/out – there are likely to be less distractions and most people think twice before raising their voices in public!

· Do you find that one of you will regularly want to continue the conversation on much longer than the other? Consider time-limiting your chat. This will leave you feeling neither pressured to continue nor rejected/disrespected by the other ending your chat before you are ready. Time-limiting is also likely to generate a more focussed conversation.

You can’t reason with an angry person!

 

When we feel strong emotions we generally tend to lose the ability to think clearly. In fact we tend to think in very “black and white” terms. And if I know I am right, then you must be wrong, mustn’t you? So there’s not much room for negotiation, not much room for the shades of grey that inhabit the space between black and white. And not much understanding of the other person’s point of view. So where disagreements become heated on a regular basis, often the most useful course of action is to stop for a while and let tempers cool on the understanding that the conversation can resume at a later time.

 

Many people will say that they have already tried this and it actually made things worse; that when one person walks away, the other gets even angrier. This is often due to a perception by the person left that they and their ideas are being rejected, that they are being “cut off” before they have managed to make their point. So, there are two important pre-requisites to using this method of managing arguments. Firstly, both people agree in advance that they will use this method – that one will walk away and the other will let them walk away - both understanding that the conversation will continue when things have cooled. Secondly, both agree in advance that this method is only to be used in the spirit intended and not as a weapon to stymie sensible discussion.

 

To win, aim for a draw

 

Whether in business or in personal relationships, usually the optimum outcome will be a draw, i.e. a mutually agreeable compromise. This is certainly true where the parties have an ongoing relationship. If you feel you have to beat the other party, then they must lose, and if they lose they will not be happy in the relationship. And one unhappy person in a relationship means an unhappy relationship for both of you! In the rare instances where there really does only appear to be a choice of two alternatives in order to move things forward, and therefore one of you will have to give way, consider what other concessions may be available in this or other areas of your relationship.

 

Understanding  and a more flexible way of thinking

 

Improved communication leads to improved understanding. If you can take the time to really listen to the other person, and they to you, you will both have a much more complete view of your disagreement and, while you may still disagree with the other person, you may better understand their point of view and will often see them in a better, more “human”, light.

 

And it may be useful to remind yourself that your opinions are just that – yours – and are as subjective as the opinions of anyone else. So it is probably more accurate to think of your opinions , and those of others, as “more useful” or “less useful” rather than “right” or “wrong”. It follows that steadfastly holding onto your opinions in any given situation (because they are “right”!) may be less useful for you, as this stance may be getting you nowhere fast.

 

Managing disagreements often requires patience, perseverance, understanding, flexibility and creativity. Perhaps most importantly, we need to recognise when something isn’t working and, instead of doing more of the same, try a different approach.